Brooklyn and NYC · couples
EFT Couples Therapy in Brooklyn and NYC
When every argument starts to feel like the same argument, the two of you are often caught in a pattern that has taken on a life of its own. I work with couples using emotionally focused couples therapy (EFT) and a psychodynamic lens, so you can see the pattern, understand what drives it, and find your way back to each other. Two Brooklyn offices, plus online sessions across New York State. Free 15-minute consultation.
The pattern
The Same Argument, Over and Over
Emotionally Focused Therapy is grounded in the idea that couples often fall into a conflict dance, a pattern you both know by heart. No matter what the argument is about, it feels like the same argument, over and over.
One of you
Reaches for Connection
You push harder the further away your partner seems. It can sound like criticism, even when it is really a bid to feel close.
The other
Pulls Back
You go still or step away to keep things from escalating. It can look like not caring, even when it is an attempt to protect the relationship.
Together
The Cycle Is the Problem
Each move makes sense on its own. Seeing the pattern clearly is often the first relief: the problem stops being one of you.
EFT calls this pursue-withdraw, and you may have heard it described as a pursuer-distancer pattern.
The approach
What Is Emotionally Focused Therapy?
EFT looks at the behaviors happening on the surface, and also at the feelings, acknowledged and unacknowledged, that are actually driving them.
On the surface
- A sharp comment
- Shutting down
- A door closed a little too hard
Often underneath
- A fear of not mattering
- A fear of getting it wrong again
- Hurt that has not been said yet
As an EFT therapist working with couples, my role is not to decide who is right. It is to help each of you understand the pattern, and what the other person is actually feeling inside it.
That is why a fight can feel so big when it does not seem like it should. The argument is rarely about the thing on the table. It is about whether you can count on each other, whether you feel seen, and what happens when one of you reaches out.
There's no such thing as being totally healed. A lot of the healing we do actually happens through having healthier relationships.
How I work
EFT and a Psychodynamic Lens
Grounded in Attachment
EFT is grounded in attachment, and it fits closely with what we understand about attachment styles and the wounds we carry into relationships. I have written more about attachment styles if you would like a fuller picture before we speak.
Where It Was First Learned
EFT also sits comfortably with psychodynamic couples therapy, which asks what fears, desires, and wants may be driving each of you, consciously or not, and where they were first learned.
Who it helps
Who Couples Therapy Helps
Couples come in at every stage, married or not, together for two years or twenty. Many come to couples therapy for communication that keeps breaking down, and some come for something harder to name.
If some of this feels familiar, a free 15-minute consultation is a low-pressure place to start.
Book a consultation- The same argument coming back, whatever the topic
- Communication that falls apart as soon as things get tense
- Growing distance, or feeling more like roommates than partners
- Rebuilding trust after an affair, which I write about in couples therapy after infidelity
- Big transitions: moving in, marriage, a baby, a career change
- Different family and cultural expectations, including as first and second-generation Americans
- Not being sure whether it is time to start, which I cover in when to go to couples therapy
If family expectations and identity run through your relationship, there is more on therapy for Asian Americans. If older attachment wounds keep surfacing between you, you may also want to read about relational trauma therapy.
Your therapist
Frances Jin is a Licensed Mental Health Counselor (LMHC) with an MSEd from Hunter College, practicing in Downtown Brooklyn and Greenpoint. She has had psychoanalytic supervision for three years and trained in Emotionally Focused Therapy for couples through NYCEFT. About Frances.
What to expect
How EFT Couples Therapy Works
We start with what is happening between you now, and we move at a pace that feels workable for both of you.
Early sessions map the pattern: what each of you does when things get tense, and what you each feel in that moment. Once you can both see the cycle, it starts to lose some of its grip.
Over time we slow the pattern down and look at the needs and fears underneath it, some of them older than the relationship itself, so you can find new ways of reaching for each other.
Sessions are typically weekly. I see couples in person at both Brooklyn offices and online across New York State.
Where we meet
Couples Therapy in Brooklyn and Online in New York
If you are looking for an EFT couples therapist or couples counseling in Brooklyn, I see couples in person at two offices, and online anywhere in New York State.
I am licensed in New York only, and I am out of network, providing superbills for reimbursement. Fees are listed on the FAQ page.
Downtown Brooklyn
Mondays and Tuesdays26 Court Street, Brooklyn, NY 11242
Close to Borough Hall, Brooklyn Heights, and many neighborhoods throughout Brooklyn and Manhattan via the 2/3/4/5, A, C, R, F, and G lines.
Greenpoint
Wednesdays861 Manhattan Avenue, Brooklyn, NY 11222
Convenient for Greenpoint, Williamsburg, and Queens via the G and L lines, and through Court Square.
Online
All WeekdaysAnywhere in New York State.
Questions
Frequently Asked Questions About EFT Couples Therapy
What is EFT couples therapy?
EFT, or emotionally focused therapy, is an approach to couples therapy grounded in attachment. It looks at the pattern the two of you fall into when you argue and at the feelings driving it, acknowledged and unacknowledged, so you can find different ways of reaching for each other.
How long does EFT couples therapy take?
It depends on the two of you and on what you bring. Some couples notice a change in how they argue within a few months, and others stay longer to work through older wounds. We talk about it openly as we go, rather than working to a fixed number of sessions.
Do we both need to want couples therapy?
It helps if you are both willing to come, even if one of you is more hesitant. Mixed feelings about starting are common, and they can be part of what we talk about. If only one of you is ready, individual therapy is also an option.
Is couples therapy only for couples in crisis?
No. Many couples come in when they notice the same argument coming back, or a slow drift apart, well before anything feels like a crisis. Starting earlier is often easier.
Does couples therapy work?
It can, and emotionally focused therapy has a strong research base behind it. What tends to matter most is that both of you are willing to look at the pattern between you, rather than at who is right.
Next step
Ready to Get Started?
Schedule a free, 15-minute consultation to see what it would be like to work together.
Book a consultation