Why do I have Travel Anxiety?

Travel, typically seen as an anticipated, exciting adventure, is often a trigger for anxiety for many. While the underlying reasons behind travel anxiety may vary–fear of flying, navigating unfamiliar environments, or simply the disruption of routine–travel anxiety is a common, shared experience. Understanding more of why this happens, as well as having some strategies to combat it, can improve the experience. 

The Roots of Travel Anxiety

While the experience of anxiety is different for everyone, there are some common themes that frequently underpin the worries. Some of these are:

• Specific phobias: Fear of flying, or of being confined in the tight spaces on planes, can make the experience of traveling intensely distressing. This anticipated distress can make not just the experience of flying itself, but of traveling to the airport, and even packing and planning the trip an anxious one, as even these mundane-seeming activities are associated for the person with the actual phobia itself. 

• Lack of control: Traveling is inherently accompanied by a lack of control. In some ways, that can be seen as part of the joy of traveling, but for individuals with anxiety, that loss of control over their schedules (i.e. flight delays, transportation logistics) and environment can induce feelings of helplessness and anxiety.

• Scarcity: While perhaps less associated with travel anxiety, as it has less to do with the logistics of travel, for some, travel anxiety is rooted in the fear of not doing “enough” with travel time. There may be a sense that travel is rare and indulgent, and therefore there is an obligation to utilize the time in the “best” way possible, when of course that is a subjective measure that varies for every person. Ultimately, this is an anxiety of leaving a trip feeling disappointed in oneself.

Practical Ways to Lessen Travel Anxiety

There is not one set of behavioral shifts or rituals that will definitively help each person who experiences travel anxiety. However, these are some activities that can provide some relief:

• Reframing thoughts: Considered a type of cornerstone of cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT), reframing your thoughts involves acknowledging, challenging, and then modifying negative thought patterns. By identifying and reframing irrational beliefs about travel, individuals can reduce their anxiety. For instance, instead of thinking, "My flight will definitely be delayed and that would be terrible," you could challenge yourself to acknowledge other outcomes, i.e. “It’s vacation, and I’m actually not in a rush to get anywhere.”

• Calming and mindfulness techniques: For those who are afraid of flying, before any type of reframing of thoughts can occur, it may first be necessary to calm yourself down in order to even acknowledge what distinct thoughts you are having. One way to do this is to slow down your thoughts through mindfulness & calming techniques, such as deep breathing (breathing in for five seconds through your nose, holding the breath for two seconds, breathing out through your mouth for five seconds) and meditation before travel, if possible.

• Managing physical symptoms: While anxiety may be an emotional, mental hurdle, preparing for travel by ensuring you are physically in as sturdy a place as you can be can support you in keeping the anxiety to more tolerable levels. This could look like making sure you are as well-rested as possible before travel, not feeling rushed or running late as you head out for travel, ensuring you have eaten enough, etc. all in an attempt to ensure that you feel as healthy as possible before potentially being emotionally activated.

• Slow exposure & desensitization: For a specific phobia, such as flying, it can be possible to utilize the technique of systemic desensitization, which essentially involves gradually exposing yourself to situations that ignite that fear, in small, measured ways that challenge, but do not overwhelm, you. For instance, you could start by first visualizing being in an airport setting and boarding a plane, and then progress to visiting the airport you are likely to fly out of, and eventually take short flights.

Why (and When) to Go to Couples Therapy

Similar to individual therapy, there is an emerging belief – both among couples and within the clinician community – that “any couple can benefit from couples therapy.” This is not to say that every couple should start couples therapy right away, but increased understanding of our partners and ourselves in relation to them, is an outcome of couples therapy that can support the couple at any stage, and in nearly any state.

What Does Couples Therapy Do

Just like with individual therapy, couples therapy will look different for every couple, based on what the couple comes to therapy with, how the clinician practices, and what the couple’s goals are. But conflict is an inherent part of being in relation to another person, and better understanding that conflict–what emotional responses become activated in us, what our defensive actions in response to those emotions activate in our partner–is a central goal of couples therapy.

I often frame the first phase of couples work as one of collectively slowing down and examining the conflict dynamic that exists in the couple today–i.e. “I bring up something that bothers me, and then she shuts down, which just makes me more upset, so I yell, which just makes her shut down more.” Understanding the emotional needs and attachment wounds that have taught us to respond the way we do (more yelling, more withdrawal) is something that all couples therapy should be able to support with. From there, what a couple chooses to do may vary; for some couples, understanding that dynamic and having language to speak to it, is itself a good amount of work and sufficient for them to take it and run with it; they’re able to confront new conflicts with improved patterns of handling them. Other couples may continue with couples therapy, wanting support in applying this understanding to new areas of their relationship.

Benefits to Therapy Earlier in the Relationship

The conflict pattern couples often present with in therapy are not new ones. In fact, they’re usually quite well-trodden and the conflict can almost occur on autopilot because of how often it’s occurred. It’s very common for a couple to express a sentiment along the lines of: “It doesn’t matter what we’re arguing about, we seem to end up in the same place no matter what.” Given this, there are tremendous benefits to starting couples therapy with a partner, before the relationship feels like it’s in a dire state.

What can hinder the process of understanding, and ultimately shifting, the conflict dynamic is underlying resistance from one or both partners, due to resentment and unresolved hurt or anger. These emotions can be, of course, a part of any relationship, but for couples who have been together for a long time, the interactions and conflicts that have created these patterns may be even more deeply entrenched.

While we sometimes hear people wondering, “Is it too early in my relationship to go to couples therapy,” I might reframe the question as: “How bad would you like it to be before you go to couples therapy?” Couples therapy, like individual therapy, rather than signaling that something is deeply wrong about a person or a relationship, could instead be understood as one of several tools available to people to help them feel more connected and understood. There’s no time that feels too early for that.

Couples Therapy After Infidelity

The discovery of infidelity in a relationship is accompanied by a period of intense emotional turmoil and uncertainty, for all people involved. Regardless of the state of the relationship before the discovery, a shift occurs when couples have to now contend with both the pain created, as well as make a decision about what comes next. The goal for every couple at this moment can be different–processing confusion and hurt, trying to make sense of what has happened, reconciliation, or figuring out how to separate with the least harm done–but for any of these goals and more, couples therapy can be a useful resource:

• Providing a structured space: One primary way couples therapy may help after infidelity is by creating a safe, structured space for communication, particularly at a time when any communication may feel especially fraught and contentious. While the therapist is not a referee, they can serve as a more neutral facilitator, allowing both partners the opportunity to express their feelings, fears, and perspectives in a more contained space. The containment may allow for each partner to hear the other more clearly, as well as feel heard themselves, with less defensiveness or judgement.

• Understanding underlying issues: While the discovery of fidelity may be the initial betrayal wound that brings couples to therapy after infidelity, it is nearly always a symptom of other underlying dynamics that have existed within the couple before this moment. Therapy can help the couple understand their own conflict dynamics better, as well as each of their own attachment wounds that led to one or both of them seeking connection outside of the relationship.

• Reconciliation and rebuilding trust: For couples interested in reconciliation, rebuilding trust is both a priority and a major hurdle. It is a gradual process that requires honesty on both partners’ parts, as well as consistency, and an understanding that the relationship will be different after this infraction. In the best outcome, the relationship is an improved one–one that carries the wounds of its own history, alongside the understanding that the ability of the relationship and of the couple to adapt to its new reality creates a resilience that is necessary for the new stage of the relationship. 

• Managing emotions: Even if the goal is reconciliation, the healing process after infidelity is rarely linear. There will be setbacks, moments of intense pain, and challenges in navigating forgiveness. Couples therapy can help the couple acknowledge and manage these difficult emotions, and develop coping mechanisms when they arise. 

• Ending the relationship: In cases where couples decide to end the relationship for any number of reasons–either because the betrayal feels too deeply stung to overcome, or because the increased clarity of the moment tells one or both people that they are seeking something different–therapy can provide a supportive framework for the couple to navigate separation with dignity and minimize further pain.
  

Shame and stigma around infidelity can prevent a couple from seeking support at their most fractured, painful moments. Infidelity, like so many other sources of disconnection and harm in a relationship, does not have to define the couple. Reach out to understand how couples therapy can support you.

What is Anticipatory Grief?

Grief is a complex, deeply personal journey, often associated with the aftermath of a loss. But there are times when grieving begins before the loss has actually occurred. This is the experience of anticipatory grief, a unique and often overlooked facet of the grieving process.

What is Anticipatory Grief?

Anticipatory grief is the emotional and psychological distress experienced when you understand that a loss is coming. More than just a feeling of sadness, anticipatory grief is a full-fledged grief process that may mirror in many ways what we more traditionally understand as grief. It is commonly experienced by caregivers and family members of people with a terminal illness, dementia, or other progressive conditions, but can also be brought on by impending life changes, such as a relationship coming to an end, a job loss, or a major move. It’s the process of grappling with the future absence of something or someone who is still present, and can look a lot like grief–feelings of sadness, anxiety, fear, depression, anger, and social withdrawal.

Stages of Anticipatory Grief

Just as the stages of grief are unique to each individual and often non-linear, so too are the stages of anticipatory grief. While people may experience a whole range of symptoms, some stages of anticipatory grief that have been identified are:

• Acceptance: The recognition that a loved one’s death, or a major change, is unavoidable, and the feelings of sadness, denial, anger, and depression that come along with this realization.

• Reflection: Processing these feelings, and come to terms with additional feelings like regret, guilt, and remorse as the reality of the upcoming loss sinks in.

• Rehearsal: Preparation for how you’ll feel and think during and immediately after the loss, potentially including practical considerations, such as making funeral arrangements.

• Imagining the future: Visualizing what life could look like after the loss, mentally reorganizing your life and potential identity without that person in your life.

Benefits and drawbacks

In some ways, anticipatory grief offers a unique opportunity for resolution. It allows for a gradual process of accepting the loss and saying goodbye, enabling conversations and experiences that might not happen otherwise. It can also help to prepare for the practical realities of the future, potentially easing the shock of the actual loss.

However, the process of course has its drawbacks, as well. Living in this state of prolonged sadness can be emotionally and physically exhausting, especially in the case where a loved one’s death is drawn out or unpredictable in timing. It can also lead to a strained relationship with loved ones who are still alive, as the grief may cause you to withdraw or become distant. A significant drawback is the potential for guilt, feeling as though you are “giving up” on the person before their time has come.

How Can Therapy Benefit?

Navigating anticipatory grief can feel like walking a tightrope between hope and despair, wanting to be prepared without prematurely retreating into the loss. Therapy can provide a safe, non-judgmental space to process these complex emotions in a contained, honest way. They can help you make sense of your feelings, and develop coping strategies. Therapy can also help you find ways to be present and find joy in the time you have left with your loved one, while also preparing for a future without them.