Why (and When) to Go to Couples Therapy
There is no wrong time to start couples therapy, and you do not need a crisis to begin. The clearest signs you need couples therapy are having the same argument again and again, and feeling less understood each time.
Similar to individual therapy, there is an emerging belief, both among couples and within the clinician community, that "any couple can benefit from couples therapy." This is not to say that every couple should start couples therapy right away, but increased understanding of our partners and ourselves in relation to them is an outcome of couples therapy that can support the couple at any stage, and in nearly any state.
What Does Couples Therapy Do?
Just like with individual therapy, couples therapy will look different for every couple, based on what the couple comes to therapy with, how the clinician practices, and what the couple's goals are. But conflict is an inherent part of being in relation to another person, and better understanding that conflict (what emotional responses become activated in us, what our defensive actions in response to those emotions activate in our partner) is a central goal of couples therapy.
I often frame the first phase of couples work as one of collectively slowing down and examining the conflict dynamic that exists in the couple today, i.e. "I bring up something that bothers me, and then she shuts down, which just makes me more upset, so I yell, which just makes her shut down more." Understanding the emotional needs and attachment woundsthat have taught us to respond the way we do (more yelling, more withdrawal) is something that all couples therapy should be able to support with. From there, what a couple chooses to do may vary; for some couples, understanding that dynamic and having language to speak to it is itself a good amount of work and sufficient for them to take it and run with it; they're able to confront new conflicts with improved patterns of handling them. Other couples may continue with couples therapy, wanting support in applying this understanding to new areas of their relationship. This is the heart of EFT couples therapy, the approach I use with couples.
Signs You Need Couples Therapy
It doesn't matter what you're arguing about, you seem to end up in the same place
One of you brings things up while the other shuts down, and both of you end up more upset
Resentment or unresolved hurt is making it harder to hear each other
The conflict happens almost on autopilot because of how often it has occurred
You are wondering whether it is too early, or too late, to get help
When to Go to Couples Therapy: The Benefits of Starting Early
The conflict patterns couples often present with in therapy are not new ones. In fact, they're usually quite well-trodden and the conflict can almost occur on autopilot because of how often it's occurred. It's very common for a couple to express a sentiment along the lines of: "It doesn't matter what we're arguing about, we seem to end up in the same place no matter what." Given this, there are tremendous benefits to starting couples therapy with a partner before the relationship feels like it's in a dire state.
What can hinder the process of understanding, and ultimately shifting, the conflict dynamic is underlying resistance from one or both partners, due to resentment and unresolved hurt or anger. These emotions can be, of course, a part of any relationship, but for couples who have been together for a long time, the interactions and conflicts that have created these patterns may be even more deeply entrenched.
While we sometimes hear people wondering, "Is it too early in my relationship to go to couples therapy," I might reframe the question as: "How bad would you like it to be before you go to couples therapy?" Couples therapy, like individual therapy, rather than signaling that something is deeply wrong about a person or a relationship, could instead be understood as one of several tools available to people to help them feel more connected and understood. There's no time that feels too early for that.
Frequently Asked Questions
Does couples therapy work?
It can, especially when both partners are willing to look at their own part in the pattern. For many couples, simply understanding the conflict dynamic and having language for it changes how new conflicts go.
Is couples therapy worth it if we are not in crisis?
Yes. Patterns are easier to shift before years of resentment have built up around them, which is why starting early has real benefits.
Can couples therapy help after an affair?
Yes. It offers a structured place to talk about what happened and decide what comes next. Read more in couples therapy after infidelity.
If any of this sounds familiar, a free 15-minute consultation is a low-pressure place to start. I see clients in Downtown Brooklyn and Greenpoint, and online across New York.