What is Anticipatory Grief?
Anticipatory grief is the emotional and psychological distress experienced when you understand that a loss is coming. More than just a feeling of sadness, anticipatory grief is a full-fledged grief process that may mirror in many ways what we more traditionally understand as grief. It is commonly experienced by caregivers and family members of people with a terminal illness, dementia, or other progressive conditions, but can also be brought on by impending life changes, such as a relationship coming to an end, a job loss, or a major move. It's the process of grappling with the future absence of something or someone who is still present.
Anticipatory Grief Symptoms
Anticipatory grief can look a lot like grief itself, including feelings of:
Sadness
Anxiety
Fear
Depression
Anger
Social withdrawal
Stages of Anticipatory Grief
Just as the stages of grief are unique to each individual and often non-linear, so too are the stages of anticipatory grief. While people may experience a whole range of symptoms, some stages of anticipatory grief that have been identified are:
Acceptance: The recognition that a loved one's death, or a major change, is unavoidable, and the feelings of sadness, denial, anger, and depression that come along with this realization.
Reflection: Processing these feelings, and coming to terms with additional feelings like regret, guilt, and remorse as the reality of the upcoming loss sinks in.
Rehearsal: Preparation for how you'll feel and think during and immediately after the loss, potentially including practical considerations, such as making funeral arrangements.
Imagining the future: Visualizing what life could look like after the loss, mentally reorganizing your life and potential identity without that person in your life.
Benefits and Drawbacks
In some ways, anticipatory grief offers a unique opportunity for resolution. It allows for a gradual process of accepting the loss and saying goodbye, enabling conversations and experiences that might not happen otherwise. It can also help to prepare for the practical realities of the future, potentially easing the shock of the actual loss.
However, the process of course has its drawbacks, as well. Living in this state of prolonged sadness can be emotionally and physically exhausting, especially in the case where a loved one's death is drawn out or unpredictable in timing. It can also lead to a strained relationship with loved ones who are still alive, as the grief may cause you to withdraw or become distant. A significant drawback is the potential for guilt, feeling as though you are “giving up” on the person before their time has come.
How Therapy Can Help With Anticipatory Grief
Navigating anticipatory grief can feel like walking a tightrope between hope and despair, wanting to be prepared without prematurely retreating into the loss. Therapy can provide a safe, non-judgmental space to process these complex emotions in a contained, honest way. A therapist can help you make sense of your feelings and develop coping strategies. Therapy can also help you find ways to be present and find joy in the time you have left with your loved one, while also preparing for a future without them.
Anticipatory grief therapy makes room for hope and preparation at the same time. In relational therapy, the relationship with your therapist becomes a steady place to bring feelings that can be hard to share with family members who are grieving too.
Frequently Asked Questions
Is anticipatory grief normal?
Yes. It is a common response to a loss you can see coming, especially for caregivers and family members of someone with a terminal illness, dementia, or another progressive condition. It can also come with the approaching end of a relationship, a job, or a chapter of life.
How long does anticipatory grief last?
There is no set timeline. It often lasts as long as the waiting does, and it can come and go, especially when a loved one's illness is drawn out or unpredictable. Grief usually continues after the loss as well, so feeling it early does not mean you have finished grieving.
Is it wrong to grieve someone who is still alive?
No. Many people feel guilty, as though grieving means giving up on the person. Grief and hope can exist side by side, and making space for both can help you stay present in the time you have together.
If you are carrying grief for someone who is still here, you do not have to hold it alone. A free 15-minute consultation is a low-pressure place to start.