Why (and When) to Go to Couples Therapy

Similar to individual therapy, there is an emerging belief – both among couples and within the clinician community – that “any couple can benefit from couples therapy.” This is not to say that every couple should start couples therapy right away, but increased understanding of our partners and ourselves in relation to them, is an outcome of couples therapy that can support the couple at any stage, and in nearly any state.

What Does Couples Therapy Do

Just like with individual therapy, couples therapy will look different for every couple, based on what the couple comes to therapy with, how the clinician practices, and what the couple’s goals are. But conflict is an inherent part of being in relation to another person, and better understanding that conflict–what emotional responses become activated in us, what our defensive actions in response to those emotions activate in our partner–is a central goal of couples therapy.

I often frame the first phase of couples work as one of collectively slowing down and examining the conflict dynamic that exists in the couple today–i.e. “I bring up something that bothers me, and then she shuts down, which just makes me more upset, so I yell, which just makes her shut down more.” Understanding the emotional needs and attachment wounds that have taught us to respond the way we do (more yelling, more withdrawal) is something that all couples therapy should be able to support with. From there, what a couple chooses to do may vary; for some couples, understanding that dynamic and having language to speak to it, is itself a good amount of work and sufficient for them to take it and run with it; they’re able to confront new conflicts with improved patterns of handling them. Other couples may continue with couples therapy, wanting support in applying this understanding to new areas of their relationship.

Benefits to Therapy Earlier in the Relationship

The conflict pattern couples often present with in therapy are not new ones. In fact, they’re usually quite well-trodden and the conflict can almost occur on autopilot because of how often it’s occurred. It’s very common for a couple to express a sentiment along the lines of: “It doesn’t matter what we’re arguing about, we seem to end up in the same place no matter what.” Given this, there are tremendous benefits to starting couples therapy with a partner, before the relationship feels like it’s in a dire state.

What can hinder the process of understanding, and ultimately shifting, the conflict dynamic is underlying resistance from one or both partners, due to resentment and unresolved hurt or anger. These emotions can be, of course, a part of any relationship, but for couples who have been together for a long time, the interactions and conflicts that have created these patterns may be even more deeply entrenched.

While we sometimes hear people wondering, “Is it too early in my relationship to go to couples therapy,” I might reframe the question as: “How bad would you like it to be before you go to couples therapy?” Couples therapy, like individual therapy, rather than signaling that something is deeply wrong about a person or a relationship, could instead be understood as one of several tools available to people to help them feel more connected and understood. There’s no time that feels too early for that.

Couples Therapy After Infidelity

The discovery of infidelity in a relationship is accompanied by a period of intense emotional turmoil and uncertainty, for all people involved. Regardless of the state of the relationship before the discovery, a shift occurs when couples have to now contend with both the pain created, as well as make a decision about what comes next. The goal for every couple at this moment can be different–processing confusion and hurt, trying to make sense of what has happened, reconciliation, or figuring out how to separate with the least harm done–but for any of these goals and more, couples therapy can be a useful resource:

• Providing a structured space: One primary way couples therapy may help after infidelity is by creating a safe, structured space for communication, particularly at a time when any communication may feel especially fraught and contentious. While the therapist is not a referee, they can serve as a more neutral facilitator, allowing both partners the opportunity to express their feelings, fears, and perspectives in a more contained space. The containment may allow for each partner to hear the other more clearly, as well as feel heard themselves, with less defensiveness or judgement.

• Understanding underlying issues: While the discovery of fidelity may be the initial betrayal wound that brings couples to therapy after infidelity, it is nearly always a symptom of other underlying dynamics that have existed within the couple before this moment. Therapy can help the couple understand their own conflict dynamics better, as well as each of their own attachment wounds that led to one or both of them seeking connection outside of the relationship.

• Reconciliation and rebuilding trust: For couples interested in reconciliation, rebuilding trust is both a priority and a major hurdle. It is a gradual process that requires honesty on both partners’ parts, as well as consistency, and an understanding that the relationship will be different after this infraction. In the best outcome, the relationship is an improved one–one that carries the wounds of its own history, alongside the understanding that the ability of the relationship and of the couple to adapt to its new reality creates a resilience that is necessary for the new stage of the relationship. 

• Managing emotions: Even if the goal is reconciliation, the healing process after infidelity is rarely linear. There will be setbacks, moments of intense pain, and challenges in navigating forgiveness. Couples therapy can help the couple acknowledge and manage these difficult emotions, and develop coping mechanisms when they arise. 

• Ending the relationship: In cases where couples decide to end the relationship for any number of reasons–either because the betrayal feels too deeply stung to overcome, or because the increased clarity of the moment tells one or both people that they are seeking something different–therapy can provide a supportive framework for the couple to navigate separation with dignity and minimize further pain.
  

Shame and stigma around infidelity can prevent a couple from seeking support at their most fractured, painful moments. Infidelity, like so many other sources of disconnection and harm in a relationship, does not have to define the couple. Reach out to understand how couples therapy can support you.